Thursday, March 31, 2011

The Amber Signal

Since childhood I have seen many movies where the climax sequence would take place in a railway station and the railway guard waves the green signal symbolising the artifact. This post is no different from those ones.

It was a Sunday evening and the clock just struck 5. Two hours from now she would be starting to a new place and start a new life holding on to things which have impacted her from the past. I expected her to call up and may be she expected me to do the same. We had cut a cake the day before celebrating the 25 years since we met though we hadn't turned 25 yet. The humour behind the manipulation dint dry out till this day. All of a sudden there was a change in the weather.

One hour passed by since I started thinking about the 12.5 years/every single day of F2F convos with her. The day and infact the hour has come when the race would be given a pause. I dint know what to speak if I call her.It would be so odd to tell her we can talk over phone/email every 1 hour/sms every minute.I dint want to see her cry too and dint contact.

So then myself Rahul and the girl I have been fussing about Priya started our journey as childhood friends. We are being the same Rahul and Priya till now faking ourselves what we really had. I never got a proper time to express my feelings for her and was not totally sure if she would have the same thoughts as I did.I was under a confusion if this was the right time to break it. We had been to all parts of Chennai and there wouldn't be a street left out. Today she is heading to Mumbai due to a job transfer. I had a manual shadow which not only knew but felt every second of my life and from today its going to step down from feeling things to knowing things.

As the clock's hand accelerated further something kept telling me to meet her up atleast if not tell other things. I constantly heard someone telling me she would anyways be crying even if you don't go. So better go and meet her up to make her smile for those five minutes. I was somehow convinced with this smile factor urging me to face this. I never thought things would be so difficult when we used to discuss jokingly about a day where we had to spend our lives differently.

So then I set off in the wagon with which we had roamed everywhere for the first time to send her off. Its a one hour drive from my place to the station. I just knew the train she is travelling by and dint know any other details. With a gut feeling I can find her out dint bother to ask anyone else. The drive was like a dream which brought in all the moments we shared with each other. I was full of smiles as I continued driving. I reached there almost when my heart beats increased rapidly. I realised I dint get something which I always do - a 5 star fruit n nut. She loves to get this only from me every single day despite two root canals already accomplished. I was so crazy without even thinking there would be shops inside the station just parked the bike in the middle of the highway to get it from a petty shop on the other side. By the time I came back as expected got caught to the traffic police for violation.

I was fined 1000 bucks. I was lost in thoughts meeting her and gave 1000 bucks without even trying to bargain anything and proceeded. It was a mixture of all sorts of feelings. It was call time and do some prank. I called her up and started screaming straight away on why din't she want to meet me. She also reverted back with an angry reply in me not wanting me meet her before she left and when she was doing it heard the train announcement through her phone. I have never made her as happy as I did that moment. I could feel it over phone itself and rushed towards her seat. She was standing with her mom. As soon as her mom saw me she gave us our private space imitating her cry. I have seen her mom do this a lot of time. I never thought anything different till now. But this time it made me feel perhaps her mom knows what we actually share and she was fine with it. It made me feel so happy but somehow dint want to break that up to Priya there.

She was so delighted seeing me there and for the first time she hugged me in front of a huge crowd and started hitting me like anything. It was the appropriate time picking out her favourite fruit n nut to divert her violence. That was the moment which made me realise even the smallest of things can be treasures. The smile in her face was gone and she started crying heavily and opened a bag. She had treasured all the wrappers I gave her till date. I was awestruck seeing that. I had reached my threshold bursting out into tears but din't want to.

The train was going to depart in five more minutes. I consoled her telling the significance behind her travel and gave her an assurance in me landing up there soon though internally I knew it was very difficult owing to family reasons. She also knew I was generally telling that to console her and gave back a sweet smile. Her mom was back and it was time for departure. I pulled out yet another fruit for the nut and wished her good luck for the new position at Mumbai. I have been to railway stations early on and sent off many. Though the reason was good enough for her travel I internally wanted her to stay back with me thinking happiness can be derived if we feel the life in ourselves. But it would be foolish to overcome career goals and convinced myself I could be with her sometime soon. The signal turned green and the guard waved one too for a moment which travelled from being a joking conversation to reality. The moment I saw her waving bursted out into tears and turned away from her and headed back. It was so heavy to feel than I expected it to be.

Time flew by and the phrase for the present would be five years hence. Its been a year since she got married to a guy from Mumbai office. I always thought it was a green signal already proposed but untold. Things changed with the new place and my untold amber signal turned red.